California: Children and Their Sexuality
Why Is It So Quiet?
Adapted from It's OK to Talk About Sex, by Jane Carney Schulze, PhD (Marriage Family Counseling), and Rolf Schulze, PhD (Sociology). For more information about this book, visit their website: It's OK to Talk
When babies and toddlers touch themselves, we know that they are following a normal pattern of growth. As children get into the preschool years and language is better developed, they may begin to "play doctor" and compare their bodies with other children. To a child who can understand your words you can say "It does feel good when you touch that part of you, doesn't it? You can let it go at that. Usually, a child is soon ready to go on to some new activity. Their attention span is short.Children's curiosity through the preschool years is greatly lessened if they are able to see what other children's bodies look like. It works well in many homes to let children take baths together, go through the house nude after baths and see their parents nude as they are bathing. Preschools usually have community bathrooms where boys and girls can use the same ones.
We need to be always aware not to push these situations on children. If there is embarrassment on the part of the adult or child, it won't work well. As usual, the rule is, follow the lead of the child. We would not want to push children into anything about their bodies that they are uncomfortable with. They can be trusted to do what makes them feel natural and good.
If we observe anyone trying to push or force a child into activities that the child resists, that adult must be stopped immediately and the reasons given calmly. Children let us know by words or by some kind of bodily or facial resistance if they feel pressured. We must teach children to say "no" if they feel pushed to do something they don't like concerning their own bodies.
Teachers and parents and other caregivers will undoubtedly stumble into a time when their child, with a friend or sibling, are exploring each other in a private location indoors or outdoors. You may overhear conversations that let you know that they are playing "doctor" or "house." Once again, stay calm, realizing that if both children are willing participants, this is normal behavior. Depending on the situation you can choose to:
1. Let them continue (if they are your children) or,
2. Say, in a pleasant voice," It's time to get ready for lunch. Who's hungry?"
If the behavior happens often (and your suggestions don't help), you might talk with the children about the situation, as follows:
Adult: "What's happening?"
Child: "We're playing doctor. We're looking at each other's bottoms."
Adult: "Is it interesting to see what each other looks like?"
Child: "Yeah. I've got a penis but she hasn't".
Adult: "You're right. She's a girl and you're a boy. I have a book about what boys and girls are like. Would you like to help me find it so we can read it?"
You will then, no doubt, have two eager children following at your heels, and you will be able to answer their curiosity by reading the book and discussing it. There are many good books available on this subject. Later on in the day or evening, when you have time to think about it, you can sit down with your child and discuss what happened.
"You and your friend were playing in the sandbox today. What was happening?" The child will give you his version if he feels relaxed and comfortable about it. Then you can say,
"I guess you wanted to find out what your friend looked like with no clothes on, right? Did she look different from you? Boys do look different and you may want to know more about that. Let's look at this book that tells about it."
It is also important to add, "People don't want to go outside of their house without their clothes. They want privacy, like when people go to the bathroom (if the child is older). Do you like privacy? It's important to listen to someone when they want privacy. That's called respecting what they want, and people like you better when you respect their privacy."
If children have not learned to be anxious about their sexual organs, they will probably not concentrate for any long period on touching that area. They may stimulate themselves occasionally and perhaps want to see what their playmates look like, but then move on to other activities. They are easily distracted. Remember, the more the adult focuses on and shows anxiety about a child's interest in sexuality, the more interesting the whole subject becomes. Once you have answered children's immediate curiosity, they are usually ready to go on to some new activity.
When you react calmly you show them that you are not anxious when they are curious about their bodies. Youhave let them know that you are paying attention to their needs and interests; plus you are helping them learn more about the subject. You have not turned a normal behavior into a forbidden activity.
If you become aware that a child outside of your family is involved in sex play while under your supervision, try to share what happened with that child's adult caregiver, in a way that will not alarm the adult. Let them know your point of view and that you were in control of the situation. It can be difficult for some parents to understand your approach, but your positive attitude can help and current research will back you up.
Occasionally, children persist in some form of sex play or masturbation every day, over long periods of time. As a teacher of young children, you might notice a child rubbing his/her sex organs during most of a naptime. In that case, there are other factors to consider. You may need to have parents and their doctor check the child for infection or irritation. The parent may need to get professional advice for any situation beyond what seems like normal behavior. The child may be trying to relieve anxiety and to find comfort through masturbation. If you are the child's teacher or therapist, we hope you can find ways to express your concern for the child and suggest that the parent consider why the child is stressed.
Children are naturally curious about everything, including their bodies and sexuality. The best thing you can do for them is to treat their curiosity and exploration as a normal activity such as eating, playing or going to the bathroom, while at the same time helping them learn which behaviors are to be kept private. Children have a great capacity for learning what is appropriate in various situations if we explain calmly and lovingly why we are asking for their cooperation. There will be no one else in their lives who will give them that kind of loving guidance as they become adults and enter into a different world. Those children fortunate enough to have such parents are indeed blessed.
