California: Teaching Children
Teaching Young Children About Sex
Adapted from It's OK to Talk About Sex,
by Jane Carney Schulze, PhD (Marriage Family Counseling), and Rolf Schulze, Phd (Sociology). For more information about
this book, visit their website : It's OK
to Talk
Since babies are not born with fear and anxiety about sex, probably they
have a relaxed attitude about this whole subject. We hope they are
getting the message that food, closeness and touch are special feelings
that they like. So we hug them, pat them, give gentle massages and
play all kinds of games to get them to smile and giggle.Brain research shows that infants need frequent and gentle touching and social stimulation. Holding, stroking, and patting your baby promote the normal growth of the nervous system. They are basic to communication and vital parts of building trust.
Children crave touch, eye contact, and other kinds of attention. They let us know how much they need. Some babies want to be held every waking hour. Another baby in the same family can sleep for four or five hours, wake up to eat for 20 minutes, and go back to sleep.
Once babies' needs are taken care of, they settle down to sleep or play happily. When they wake up they are ready to explore, touch, taste and poke at everything in their path, including their own bodies. Eventually they will also touch their sexual organs. When they are bored with those parts, they will probably grab a toe to chew.
Suppose a parent or babysitter sees the baby touching his sexual parts, and then quickly redirects him to a toy or slaps his hand and says, "No, dirty!"
What might the child be learning? "What's going on?" What felt so good to him seems to be bad. "My special person hurts me for touching there. I must be bad and that feeling I liked must be bad." That realization can be the beginning of serious personality or sexual problems.
This experience of punishment can become part of a body memory that leaves the grown child with a sense of fear and guilt whenever he becomes involved in sex.
We know that being comfortable with our bodies and sexuality starts at birth with touching and closeness. But what do we do when children are old enough to talk with us about it? If we have built trust with a child during the early years, she will want to confide in us and, hopefully, ask us questions just as she asks about other subjects.
Start in their early years by introducing the subject honestly in a relaxed way. Children will ask for more when they are ready, and then you will talk with them about their concerns. Here are some ways to introduce the subject:
Be alert even to small opportunities. Pregnant animals in the neightborhood offer an opportunity to pay a visit to the new kittens, puppies, or hamsters. Be sure to comb the bookstores for baby animal books. Then fill in the explanations your child seems to want. Give simple and truthful answers the child can understand.
Visit a newborn baby. If possible, let your child feel the baby move before it is born. Have books with simple pictures to help explain birth at a level the child can understand. It's a sure sign of boredom when your child starts to wiggle, looks elsewhere, or takes the book out of your hand and closes it.
Be careful not to push any subject too hard. You may have noticed that the more anxious we are to get our point across, the more likely our audience is to back off. This principle definitely includes children.
Watch for spontaneously occurring opportunities. "What's that?" a three-year-old may ask when her new baby brother is diapered. "That's his penis. His tinkle, his urine (whatever your family says) comes out there. That's different from yours, isn't it?" You may get a nod of agreement and notice that your daughter is unddressing so she can see how different she really is. She may be resourceful enough to find a mirror to help.
Answer her questions and support her attempts to find out what she looks like. As soon as she is satisfied about her interest, she will probably jump up and ask for a snack or want to go out and play. You can breathe a sigh of relief. Her ongoing sex education is continuing to be a positive experience.
You have played an important part in developing her healthy attitude about her body. If she asks more questions, and you continue to answer as honestly as possible, you are likely to find that communication will get easier as time goes by. Your child will want to keep asking questions. Remember, first learning is the most powerful.
